When I look back on my childhood, I find it hard to comprehend there were so many fears, emotions and concerns running through my head that I never told anyone about. I just stuffed them inside and worried silently. I believed my older sisters were much more Christian than I was. They seemed almost perfect to me, so perhaps I couldn’t confess my sinful thoughts, worries, or ideas.

Our home was not a safe place for me to express feelings or emotions or ask questions. As far as I could tell, almost everything was a sin.

One time, around 1966 when Pa was in the process of building a garage/shed on the property, my brother, John, encouraged me to walk in the wet cement footings that had just been poured earlier in the day.  He held my hand as I hopped up on the cool, damp cement and made a few footprints. It was fun to have his attention because he was six years older and didn’t usually pay much attention to me unless he wanted me to do something for him. He thought it was so funny.  After he had a good laugh, he said that I was going to be in big trouble because Pa was going to be angry at me for doing that. I begged him not to tell. Of course, I didn’t realize that no one would actually have to “tell” as the prints were the size of my feet. I was sick to my stomach all that afternoon and evening worrying what the punishment might be when Pa would notice the misdeed.

As it turned out, Pa never mentioned it. The cement was fairly well set by the time I stepped my toes in in, and it actually never ruined anything. Whether he noticed and decided to let it go, or just never really noticed it I’m not sure. Once the walls were built on top, I eventually relaxed and decided I could stop worrying about it.

On another occasion, I got angry at John and called him a fool. John immediately told me I had just committed the unforgivable sin and was sure to go to hell because of it. I didn’t know about the unforgivable sin, but he said it didn’t matter whether or not I knew about it, I would go to hell anyway. He quoted Matthew 5:22:

King James Version: ²² But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

I tried to act strong or like I didn’t care because I didn’t want him to know how scared I was. He told me the good thing about it was that from now on it didn’t really matter what other sin I committed because I was already doomed.

I recall being at the Mennonite Church (which was across the road from our farm) during their revival meetings and there was always an altar call at the end of the service. The visiting pastor would pray and invite anyone to come forward to the front of the church for any unconfessed sin, or anyone who wanted to accept Christ into their lives. I wanted to go forward to feel forgiven and released from the fear that plagued me. My greater fear was that Pa would be angry if I responded to the Mennonite altar call. I always remained silent and glued to my seat. The fear and worry stayed buried deep down inside.

Often, I had nightmares about going down this long, dark tunnel and being pulled into a pit that was churning with a boiling mass of molten metal. My skin was blistering from the heat and I couldn’t turn back.

Mabel about 1965 (at 11 years old)